Father time
A boy is looking through the family photo album and asks his mother, "Who's this guy with all muscles and curly hair?" "That's your father." "Then who's the old, bald, fat man who lives with us now?"
Two steps forward...
It's a ten-minute walk from my house to the pub. Weirdly, it's a two-hour walk from the pub to my house.
Checkmate
When my sister was in high school, she went out with the captain of the chess team. My parents loved him because they figured any guy who took three hours to make a move was OK.
Age: thirty to fortyish
Overheard in the HR department: "I need my birth date to log on to my online benefits information. But I can't remember what year I pretended I was born when you hired me."
Feeling rejected?
This purported rejection of a rejection slip from an academic has been making the rounds online: "Despite your university's outstanding qualifications and previous experience rejecting applications, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assisstant professor in your department this August. Good luck rejecting your future applicants."
Quick and corny
I saw a restaurant the other day advertising chicken dinners for 50 cents. I wen in, ordered and was served a bowl of corn.
Lightbulb jokes:
1. How many divorced man does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who cares? They never get the house anyway.
2. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but the lightbulb has to be willing to change.
3. How many fishermen does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five - but you should have seen the size of it! Five of us weren't enough!
4. How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two: one to screw it almost all the way in, and one to give it a surprising twist at the end.
5. How many members of U2 does it take to change a lightbulb?
One: Bono holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around him.
So satisfying
"Where do you want this huge roll of bubble wrap/" I asked my boss. "Just pop it in the corner," he replied. It took me three hours.
Grounds for divorce
The wife left me anote on the fridge saying,"It's no good - it's just not working. I'm staying at Mum's for a while." I opened the door, the light came on and the beer was chilled. Goodness knows what she was on about!
Nearly departed
The locall parking inspector died. At his funeral some days later, just as the priest was delivering a service in honour of the man in the presence of family and friends, a loud shouting and banging could be heard from the coffin:" Stop! Stop! Let me out! I'm not dead!" There was a brief, confused pause. Finally the silence was broken:" I'm sorry, sir," said the priest. "I've already started the paperwork."
F for effort
Some years ago when living on a farm, I called on my accountant at lunchtime to pick up an Estate Planning form. His secretary was at lunch, so he hunted through the filling cabinet without success. I was about to leave when the secretary returned. After being asked where the form was, she went straight to the filling cabinet and handed one over. "Where have you got them filed?" asked my accountant. "Under 'S' for 'Estate'," came the reply. I don't recall how long she kept her job.
A problem shared
Your company's IT department can be your best friend. Don't muck it up with silly requests like these actual help-desk calls:
"Can you come over and plug this cord for me?"
"How do i remove a sesame seed from the keyboard?"
"I dropped my phone in the toilet. Waht should i do?"
"How do i pirate software?"
"My car's cup holder is broken. Can you fix it/"
"I'd like to download the entire internet so can i take it with me."
Source: Reader's Digest.
