Really..my last entry here was like a million years ago.
I hope there is still someone out there who still read my entries because I am going to continue what I left million years ago...updating my blog.
To start with, today am going to share with you some jokes i actually extracted from Reader's Digest, my favorite all time magazine.
1. So Satisfying
"Where do you want this huge roll of bubble wrap?"
:Just pop it in the corner," he replied.
It took me three hours.
- RD Jan 2013, pg 51
2. Snailed it
I wanted my snail to move faster, so I removed his shell. But it had the opposite effect because he seems more sluggish
- RD March 2016, pg 40
3. A mathematician wanders back home at 3 am and proceeds to get an earful from his wife. "You're late!" she yells. "You said you'd be home by 11.45!" "Actually," the mathematician replies cooly," I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."
- RD Oct 2014, pg 74
4. Age: thirty to fortyish
Overheard in the HR departments: "I need my birth date to log on to my onine benefits information. But I can't remember what year I pretended I was born when you hired me."
- RD March 2013, pg 59
5. Flat-earthers abroad
My husband and I were walking along a beach in Spain with two of our friends, when one of them stopped and looked up to the sky. She asked if the sun in Spain was the same one we get at home. My husband winked at me and proceeded to tell her that it wasn't - that the sun in Spain was much hotter than our sun.
As she nodded her understanding, we all had to try hard not to laugh. She then announced that she also knew it was a different moon, as it was different shape to the one we had before we came away.
We all kept this going for a good couple of months until we finally had to tell her the truth.
- RD Jan 2016
6. A guy walks into a bar and orders two beers. The bartender looks at him curiously. "One's for me," the man explains. "The other is for my poor, sickly brother back in the old country. He's barely hanging on." The bartender nods sympathetically and pours him two pints of beer. This goes on for most of the night and the one after that.
After about a week of drinking two beers at a time- one for him, one for his sickly brother - the man comes into the bar looking particlarly downhearted and orders just one beer. "It's your brother, isn't it?" the barman says solemnly. "No, nothing wrong with him," the man says, shrugging. "It's me. I've given up drinking."
- RD May 2009, pg 54.
7. Young Love
Lonely hearts ad from the Inverness Courier:"Loving and trustworthy male, 3 yr old, a bit shy, blue eyes, enjoy gardening, going away weekends, walking and films, WLTM a female for romance."
- RD May 2009, pg 53.
8. We'll call you
It's tough enough landing a job. Try not to commit these interview gaffes, as reported by actual hiring managers:
>> "The candidate arrived in a catsuit."
>>"The candidate sent his sister to interview in his place."
>> "A job applicant came in for interview with cockatoo on his shoulder."
>> "An individual applied for a customer-service job, and when asked what he might not like about his job, he said, 'Dealing with people.'"
- RD Nov 2012, pg 83.
9. Tales from emergency: stories doing the rounds in hospital casualty departments
>> "A patient came into the emergency department at 0400 with no complaints. He said,'I have been having chest pains for four months but I am not having chest pains now. The reason I'm here now is because I heard that 4am is the best time to come because there are not many people.'"
>> "Had a woman call an ambulance because she had deja vu in the shower and got ervous."
>> "Got a frantic call from a woman who claimed she had overdosed and needed helpimmediately. We arrived on the scene, and she handed us an empty mints container saying she ook them all. That night she learned that you cannot overdose on mints."
- RD Jul 2016, pg 92
10. Plane stupid
British Airline Jet2 recently shared some of the surprising questions which ahve been asked of its flight attendants:
"Can you ask the crew to fly lower as my wife is scared of heights?"
"How do you wind the window down?"
"What's in the am and cheese sandwich?"
"I've forgotten something. Can we turn around?"
"Where are we?"
"Do you know the latest cricket results?"
"The pilot said we're landing ahead of schedule. Is that Spanish or UK time?"
-RD Jan 2016
I hope you have enjoyed the jokes as much as I have!
Cheers!
